Articles and Blogs

Breaking Free From Abandonment and Betrayal

Fear of abandonment can keep us trapped in a life that just does not serve us well.

It keeps us stuck in unfulfilling and often toxic relationships. It can cause us to push our own needs aside in order to keep other people happy. It can prevent us implementing boundaries that are vital for our psychological, emotional and physical health. And It can cause us to believe that we need to be 'perfect' to be loved and accepted.

Breaking free from this pattern or 'schema' is not easy, as it is a pattern that has become wired into the very fabric of our brain and nervous system.

The amygdala - the brain's threat detector - becomes hyper-sensitive to other people's words, actions and also non-verbal signals. So much so that it can 'see' betrayal' even when perhaps it is not there.

It is ALWAYS scanning the people in our life for signs that they cannot be trusted and that they may be about to leave us.

If you resonate with any of the following statements, the chances are you have the abandonment schema

I tend to cling to people if I think they are pulling away from me.

I get really anxious if I don't know where my partner is or what they are doing

I tend to become quite obsessive in relationships

I am always looking for signs that my partner's feelings are changing

I get so anxious in relationships I tend to sabotage them early on or avoid them all together.

The adults in my childhood were unpredictable - nice one minute, then abusive, cold or distant the next.

I find it difficult to focus on my own life when I am in a relationship.

To find out more about the neuroscience of abandonment fear and how work directly with your brain to start addressing it click here to listen to an interview I did for AVAIYA - it is free to watch for the next 48 hours only! ( 11-13th March)

This information could potentially change your life.

How do you learn to TRUST?

It's now becoming increasingly apparent that our ability to form deep connections with others is at the heart of sound psychological, emotional AND physical well-being.

Research shows that the quality of our intimate and social relationships is the biggest predictor of health and happiness throughout our lifespan.

But for many of us, making connections is not easy.

If we have suffered relational trauma, such as sexual, physical or emotional abuse / neglect, we can carry throughout life, a deep mistrust of not only others, but also of our own ability to navigate relationships.

Our nervous system and certain brain parts become WIRED in a way that makes it difficult to accurately predict threat / safety in relationships.

'Trusting' is often a luxury that we just do not have.

We can also feel 'unsafe' in the world at a deep core level of our being.

But there is hope!

Recent research from the fields of neuroscience and trauma indicates that we can actually 're-wire' or 're-train' our brain to more accurately predict where we should place our trust.

We can also work with our brain and nervous system to develop an internal sense of safety that has never been available to us.

We can learn to effectively manage and process the difficult feelings that inevitably arise within relationships so that we can TRUST OURSELVES to deal with whatever comes our way.

This is empowerment. This is freedom.

If you want to know more about how you can learn to trust yourself - so you can trust others - why not join me and 20 other experts from around the world as we speak about how to identify and transform the ways in which we operate in relationships.

In this FREE online conference, you will get one interview every day for over 20 days!

The conference starts on February 18th 2019 - click here to save your seat.

You’ll experience influencers in psychology, neuroscience, psychobiology, epigenetics,
LGBTQ, somatic healing, addiction (and more) provide ideas, & tips on how to live from a place of safety, security, passion & connection.

The conference is hosted by Cheryl Fidelman, life coach & performance artist.

The information in this conference will set you on a path to greater happiness and well being in all areas of your life.

And it's FREE!

Don't let this opportunity pass you by. Click here to find out more.

Overcoming Co-dependency

Free Online Conference - Overcoming Codependency June 25th - July 1st

Over the years, the word 'co-dependency' has become used to describe so many different relationship problems that today the term isn't often very helpful.

The original meaning of the word was used to describe a person who was dependent on another person having problems so that they could feel 'needed', 'valued' 'significant' and 'worthy' through 'fixing' and 'rescuing' them.

But Co-dependency isn't really about other people - it's about - disconnection from ourselves.

So if you:

find it difficult to say no and put in boundaries in your relationships

are the person that people always come to for help and advice

are more concerned about the needs and feelings of others than you are about your own

often feel responsible for other people’s happiness

find yourself excessively worrying about other people’s problems and trying to solve them

struggle with excessive feelings of guilt and anxiety around relationships

find it difficult to maintain a sense of individuality in relationships

the chances are you are struggling with co-dependency

In schema terms, co-dependency is best illustrated by the self-sacrifice schema and if you would like to hear more about this, there is a fantastic FREE online event in which myself and 26 other authors, doctors, therapists and relationship experts talk about what co-dependency actually is and how to overcome it.

I really enjoyed my interview with the host Ande Anderson - she was a great interviewer!

you can listen to my interview about schemas, the brain and co-dependency on day 5 - 29th June.

I really hope you get a lot out of the conference!

How We Change

Research shows that the chances of making any kind of significant change in our lives are just 9:1 - even if we're facing a life threatening disease. That's a lot of unrealised goals and broken dreams!

So why is it so hard to change?

Why do we fail time and time and time again to do the things we KNOW will make our lives better?

Well, here's the thing, the part of our brain that is responsible for achieving our dreams and goals is very much affected by the childhoods that we have. We need certain conditions in childhood to build a brain that can push through fear, self doubt and frustration - the main things that derail us on our paths to change.

But there is hope! our brains are always changing - and if you know what you need to do to build an effective brain, your chances of success are way better.

Check out the video below on How We Change - video # 3 in my 3-part video series

Breaking the Patterns from the Past.

If you haven't watched Video # 1 and Video # 2- make sure you watch those first.

Amendment: Pricing structure of the online programme has now changed from a one off payment to monthly membership of $49 US per month.

If you're interested in the online programme mentioned in the video click here for more details.

or you might want to join our free face-book group Breaking the Patterns from the Past.

When the Past isn’t Past

"Just get over it" "It's all in the past" " Just let go" " Just move on"

"That was then - this is now"

We hear comments like this a lot. No matter what has happened to us in the past, we are often expected to be able to leave the past well and truly in the past and just 'get on with life'.

But what if it isn't really that simple?

Groundbreaking research into the long term effects of childhood adversity, shows that the way we are raised and the quality of our childhood environment actually shapes the way our brain develops and functions.

Many of the issues we struggle with today - addictions, anxiety, depression, eating disorders and problems in relationships are often due to what we have experienced in the past.

Find out more in my second video from the 3-part video series:

Breaking the Patterns from the Past.

Video # 2 When the Past isn't Past

In this video, you'll learn about the main causes of anxiety and depression and why some people get addicted while others don't. You'll also learn about our two brains and how conflict between them contributes to self sabotage and procrastination.

Before watching video # 2, make sure you have seen video # 1.

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD VIDEO # 2 WORKSHEET

I would love to hear your thoughts on the content of this video, so please feel free to leave comments below.

Video # 3 in the series will be posted on the blog section of schema therapy online in the coming few days.

In the meantime, why not join our free face book group 'Breaking the Patterns from the Past'