If you identify with 5 or more of these statements then you probably have this schema.
- 1I have a lot of trouble speaking up for myself.
- 2I often feel that people treat me like a doormat.
- 3In my relationships I tend to let other people make the decisions.
- 4I rarely tell people if they have hurt my feelings or let me down.
- 5I tend to feel a lot of anger and resentment that I rarely express.
- 6I tend to please other people so that there won't be conflict or rejection.
- 7I am afraid that if I let my feelings out I will lose control.
- 8I tend to be quite passive aggressive.
- 9I avoid conflict or confrontation at any cost.
- 10I have difficulty putting up boundaries with people.
How it affects our lives
Subjugation basically prevents us asserting ourselves, putting in boundaries, expressing our feelings and dealing with conflict.
There is a feeling of fear and anxiety around expressing our true feelings and needs because we fear some kind of retaliation, humiliation or rejection.
We also worry that we won't be able to cope with the after-effect of saying how we feel.
Because we don't put boundaries in with others we can often feel taken advantage of, used or disrespected. We end up doing things we really don't want to because we can't say 'no'.
This just ends up causing a build up anger and resentment towards people and ourselves that sometimes explodes out of nowhere.
Or we direct it at the person through passive aggressive ways. We might fail to return calls, ignore people, turn up late, or half-heartedly complete tasks we've been asked to do
Our relationships are never really fulfilling as we are not honest about our thoughts and feelings. We spend a lot of time people pleasing and doing what others want so people never get to see who we really are inside - what we REALLY think, feel and need.
We don't give people the information they need to have a close, intimate relationship with us.
It can feel very lonely when we have this schema, even if we have people around us as we never feel really 'seen' or understood at a deep intimate level.
Our needs for secure attachment and connection are rarely met.
We can end up in abusive relationships either with partners, friends or colleagues because we don't speak up for ourselves and allow people to trample over our boundaries.
This schema has huge effects on our self esteem and self-confidence as we know that we are not being true to ourselves and we end up feeling controlled and disempowered.
Health-wise - we now know that suppression of our emotions has a very damaging effect on our health - especially when we don't express anger in healthy ways. Repressed or suppressed anger is strongly linked to a number of different cancers
“Extremely low anger scores have been noted in numerous studies of patients with cancer. Such low scores suggest suppression, repression, or restraint of anger. There is evidence to show that suppressed anger can be a precursor to the development of cancer, and also a factor in its progression after diagnosis” {source}
“Extreme suppression of anger was the most commonly identified characteristic of 160 breast cancer patients who were given a detailed psychological interview and self-administered questionnaire” {source}
Where it comes from
If you were raised in a household where it was dangerous to express your feelings or speak up you are very likely have this schema.
It's very common in people who have been physically, emotionally or sexually abused. As a child it was in your best interests to stay quiet and small to avoid harm.
If you had a volatile parent or if there was a lot of conflict and stress in the house, you would have associated speaking up with fear, retaliation, or humiliation.
And that pattern is still playing out today.